The best bits of Seth Troxler’s hilarious editorial on why EDM festival fans are “c**ts”

The Northern Hemisphere’s summer season is about to get into full swing, with America’s booming schedule of festivals kicking off this weekend with Mysteryland at Bethel Woods in upstate New York. Hundreds of thousands of dance fans around the US are preparing their rave outfits, threading kandi bracelets, getting “shredded” and practicing their heart hand-signs…but not everyone is feeling the love.

For his part, 29 year-old moustachioed-hipster and purveyor of underground techno Seth Troxler got his ‘old man yelling at clouds’ on in an editorial for Thump recently, taking on everything from his issues with big US festivals to the decline of clubbing culture, and why EDM DJs and fans are a bunch of, as Christopher Pyne would say, “grubs”. Here are a few of the more choice quotes from Troxler’s (hilarious) editorial.

“When I get booked to play these massive festivals in the US, I often walk around them to see what they’re all about – and 90% of the time, it’s fucking horrible… At these festivals, you get it all on a platter up-front. Lasers! LED screens! Pyrotechnics! DROPS! CAKE IN YOUR FUCKING FACE!” – wait, nah man. That’s not clubbing, that’s a concert of cunts. Just, go out for a night in a dark room. Be cool… We’re breeding a generation of impatient, annoying festival kids.

“EDM plays host to a profound delusion about what electronic music and dance culture are. It’s ridiculous music, made by ridiculous, un-credible people… Clubbing is a culture, but EDM doesn’t promote that. If you’re Suzie who just graduated high school in Florida, you go to Ultra and think ‘Holy shit, Avicii is about to blow my panties off’…

“Speaking of Avicii, Avicii is a cunt. When he went to the hospital during Ultra in Miami, my tour manager Alex was with the nurse assigned to him. The fucking cunt wouldn’t even speak to the nurse. She would have to tell his manager what to tell him, and they were sitting next to each other.

“I was in a club recently, and there was this guy there with one of the original Paradise Garage t-shirts on. We got talking, and he said the major difference with dance music now and back then is real diversity. You had social, class, race, sexual diversity – and that’s cool. That’s what dance music culture is about. Everyone under one roof, exploring their own and each other’s identities. A celebration of something more, something outside of received norms. Not having a giant glow stick and getting on it.

“Not everyone’s a lifer in this world, but what separates the wheat from the chaff is intellect. Intellect is a true indication of taste. Some smart kids are standing in these EDM festivals, in the mud and heat and sick, and they’re thinking, “Yeah, this is fine for now, but this can’t be it forever.” There’s got to be something better – but they have to find it for themselves. That’s the next generation right there.”