The 10 Commandments of Superstar DJs
You don’t become a festival-hopping, champagne-spraying, anthem-making, crowd-surfing DJ superstar without hard work, dedication, and clear adherence to the fundamental principles of the industry.
After many years of soul-searching, we have finally received the ten commandments that all superstar DJs must abide by, as trail-blazed by the original don Tiesto himself. Read on, and learn the secrets of the faith. [Image by Jordan Loyd.]
#1 Always have a supply of black t-shirts
For the touring DJ there can only be one choice of wardrobe, and that’s all black, all the time. Black goes with everything. Black won’t show the underarm sweat patches at the end of each set. Black will conceal the grease stains from that hotel buffet breakfast. And black will help disguise the gut you’ve earned from all those hotel buffet breakfasts.
#2 Never forget the airline’s Twitter handle in your rant…
Getting angry on Twitter is not just for Kanye any more. We know you spend a lot of time flying. We know that airlines are notoriously painful to deal with and less reliable than the Sydney public transport system.
But do the airlines know how much it hurts a superstar DJ to be inconvenienced? Make sure they register your righteous anger by including their handle when you tweet those rants about your 17th delayed flight this month.
#3 …Or just seek out “alternative transport”
Don’t want to share business class with the common people? If you’ve reached that special echelon of top-earning superstar DJs, then it’s time to get your own private plane/helicopter/spacecraft, and Instagram incessantly about it. At the very least, slap one of your oversized logo stickers above the wing so it looks like you own it.
#4 There can never be too many DJs in the booth
All superstar DJs have experienced that icy existential crisis of spending an hour all alone in the booth. That’s why you must always have buddies to keep you company. They can help out by throwing up heart hands, drinking your rider, shooting t-shirt guns or even idly toying with the filters.
#5 Crowds don’t know to make noise unless told
Those tachycardia-inducing builds and head-splintering drops are good, but they’re not quite explicit enough in telling the audience when they should show their appreciation with ecstatic dancing and cheering. The superstar DJ of 2014 knows to get on the mic and tell them what to do.
#6 People love seeing your studio buddies jumping up and down
If you’re about to drop your big festival anthem, make sure to text your superstar collaborators first, so they can come out from backstage and join you for some pogo-ing and self-congratulation. It’s just like when pop stars have surprise guest cameos, except without any of the singing or rapping.
#7 You’re nothing if you’re not a cut-out
The only thing more life-affirming than staring out at a sea of comically over-sized cardboard cut outs of your face? Seeing your face become a nipple pastie.
#8 Always retweet your praise
If a tree falls in the woods, did it really make a sound? If a DJ plays a gig and doesn’t retweet his praise, did he really show up at all? It’s standard practice to give the RT seal of approval to at least one gushing audience member when you get off stage. But to be safe, you should probably pick out three or four of your most glowing endorsements. Your followers will be dazzled.
#9 Never let fans forget you work out
You’re on the paleo diet, you now drink only Grey Goose, and you’re pretty much famous in the world’s hotel gyms. Why deprive the world of all your #fitspiration? Take that virtuous glow to Instagram as often as possible and bask in the adulation of your internet admirers.
#10 Remember: The live stream is watching you
These days pretty much every major dance festival is live streamed to millions of people around the world. The superstar DJ must always remember to keep moments of weakness or deep introspection for after the show, when you can’t be made into a meme.