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From heart hands to fantasy riders: DJ Mag’s Top 100 interviews are secretly hilarious

It’s been a good few weeks now since 25-year-old main stage favourite Hardwell took the top spot in the annual DJ Mag Top 100 poll, dethroning five-time winner Armin van Buuren. The backlash against the results that followed was as intense as ever, coming from all points along the dance music spectrum. This year’s responses were apparently such that DJ Mag wrote a post reminding readers and commenters that “it’s a public vote.” The mag explained, “If your favourite DJ isn’t in there, don’t blame us. We are guardians of the poll, correct, but we don’t decide who is in it – the voters do.”

Amid all the debate, it would’ve been easy to miss the magazine’s Q&As with the Top 100 DJs over at its website and in the November issue. Getting DJs from Dillon Francis to Above & Beyond on the phone and asking them the same set of boiler-plate questions resulted in some truly funny and bizarre responses. Now that the fervour over the list itself has died down, we can enjoy the utter quirkiness of the world’s top dance stars. Here’s what they told DJ Mag about themselves.

Best known for?

Tiësto: “Continuing being a legend.”

Above & Beyond: “Making grown men cry.”

Richie Hawtin: “At the moment, pissing off vinyl purists.”

Fedde Le Grand: “Destroying pretty much every single dance floor on the planet.”

David Guetta: “Being titanium. I’ve been a DJ for 30 years now – I’m solid enough to be still here after all this time.”

R3hab: “Jumping.”

If you could be any animal, what would you be?

Hardwell: “A penguin, I love penguins. If you go to a zoo and see a penguin, it acts super-funny.”

Steve Aoki: “I’d be a winged monkey. Because I love the idea of flying and they love having sex and eating.”

Tommy Trash: “Stupid question – a monkey of course. I love bananas even more than Dada Life.”

Laidback Luke: “I often feel like a cat. But I’d love to be a dragon. My wife calls me a monkey though.”

Dash Berlin: “Maybe a bonobo ape, did you know they solve their conflicts by making love?”

Dillon Francis: “A dolphin because they like to have sex.”

Sebastian Ingrosso: “A panda. Because it’s black, white and Asian.”

Wasted Penguinz: “An eagle, and fly to all the gigs.”

What would be on your fantasy rider?

Avicii: “Clouds.”

David Guetta: “”I wish stage managers could be sexier sometimes. Sexy girls instead of fat guys with tattoos and beards.”

Eric Prydz: “A chilled bottle of 1811 Chateau d’Yquem, some foie gras and Diane Kruger naked.”

Dillon Francis: 1x Tiësto’s airplane, 1x Steven Seagal, 2x action movies on DVD from the years 1986-1995, 1x sock puppet replica of Bruce Willis, 1x potato chip that looks like any relevant celebrity, 1x lock of Tiësto’s hair, 2x nipple clamps, 1x super soaker squirt-gun etc….”

Mat Zo: “A koala and caipirinhas served by Robert De Niro wearing a sombrero.”

Sebastian Ingrosso: “Pandas and a space ship.”

Should DJs do “heart-hands?”

David Guetta: “Actually, I started this! I have to say I do it a little less now, because it’s been done too much.”

Armin van Buuren: “There’s nothing wrong with showing love for a crowd but please, don’t over do it.”

Infected Mushroom: “No.”

Gareth Emery: “Never. It sums up the worst cynically manufactured cheesy over-emotional music made not because of a genuine feeling, but because four ghost writers and engineers in a room think they can make a fuck-load of money.”

Above & Beyond: “Definitely, although a wider range of shadow theatre is advisable. We can do the horse, rabbit and dove now, as well.”

Dada Life: “We prefer the international sign for ‘pizza’. Now that is love.”