Earlier today, we brought you the intriguing story of a man busted for trying to sneak drugs into Melbourne’s Listen Out by allegedly slathering pills in Vegemite and cling-wrapping them to his dick.
He wasn’t alone, either. According to police, “several males” were found to have cling-wrapped drugs to their respective members — which must have made for a pretty damn awkward police search.
These guys aren’t the first — and definitely aren’t the last — people to use
ludicrously stupid curiously inventive methods to sneak drugs into festivals. Over the years we’ve had stories of people drilling holes into buildings, writing contact details on their baggies, and sticking coffee and pepper in places where you should definitely not put coffee and pepper.
So in honour of Vegemite Dick man, we’ve rounded up some of the dumbest festival drug stories from the last few years. Dive in — and please, don’t try these at home.
Whether you’re attending a major festival or just heading off on a night out, it pays to know where your prized possessions are at all times. But then again, there are some items that probably shouldn’t be labelled with your name and phone number — and a zip-lock bag of MDMA is definitely one of them.
QLD police officers were running standard drug operations at Maroochydore Music & Arts festival recently when they pulled up a guy who received a positive indication from a sniffer dog. They searched him, and found a small, zip-lock bag which the man had labelled with his name, contact number, and the exact illegal substance that he was carrying.
Needless to say, police were “surprised” to find the labelled bag. You don’t say.
Yet another one from Queensland: “The Smart State”.
In May 2013, an Innisfail man was caught by police at Groovin’ The Moo festival in Townsville for possessing a number of pills. If that wasn’t bad enough, a rudimentary check through the guy’s phone revealed that he was in the process of setting up a deal inside the festival — he even described the state of the drugs.
“The pills are a bit crumbly,” he texted his friend, before telling him he had “gotten 10.” He was consequently charged with supplying a dangerous drug. At his court case, the judge tore him apart for being “young, stupid … and naive.”
“They’re absolute idiots the lot of them,” the judge told the courtroom. “They think their phones are sacred or something.”
While most of these stories have to do with punters sneaking drugs past police at the festival gates, some punters have a different strategy altogether.
In 2015, two men were arrested a week before Sydney’s Stereosonic was due to kick off for allegedly attempting to hide drugs on the festival grounds at Olympic Park. According to police, one of them was even trying to drill a hole in one of the buildings, so he could “install something [in the building] that could conceal drugs.”
Unfortunately for them, police had dealt with this problem the year before and were fully prepared to nab any youths who tried to stash their drugs on the grounds ahead of time.
Hiding drugs inside bodily orifices is hardly a new thing, but one woman at Sydney’s Defqon.1 festival in 2014 really set the bar for attempted concealment.
The 21-year-old allegedly wrapped 37 ecstasy pills in a zip lock bag, then cling-wrapped them and placed the package inside three layers of condoms. Between each layer of condom she sprinkled copious amounts of coffee grounds and pepper. After all this, she inserted it into her vagina.
Even with all this preparation, she couldn’t fool the sniffer dogs. Would have made for an awkward strip search.
At a 2015 party at Sydney’s Hordern Pavilion, a 20-year-old woman was arrested after allegedly being found with 879 caps of MDMA concealed “on her body.”
We have a lot of questions: first of all, how the hell did this woman hide a shoebox worth of pills on her body? Did she tape them individually to her skin? Did she wear a fatsuit and hide them inside? Did she look like Joey in that episode of Friends?
Unfortunately, the police didn’t go into specifics of how she attempted to sneak them through — so we’ll have to use our imaginations for this one.